Post 5th chemo

This week was especially nice to me.  I feel normal,  no more nausea like last week,  go to work like normal and i even drive my car to work yesterday! Surprise!

Turn out one of my chemo drugs,  carboplation is the culprit behind my nauseating days. Plus,  the car perfume from my sister's car is too intoxicating,  making lumps in my throat. That was hell. But i do feel grateful that this is just one of the few times i experience it.  Unlike most people who feel sick immediately after chemo and really can't get out of bed. I feel sorry for them,  but we have to survive this together.

Is just that i feel like i might have migrain, keep have headache these few days.  My body ache, my head ache,  my eyes hurt,  i just don't know what to say anymore. I just wish things could pass quietly. 

How i wish my tumor shrink faster so that i can skip my chemo. OK,  got to go.  Hope i can live cancer free for the rest of my life.

4th chemo

As schedule, my chemo will be every Friday for 18 times. So yesterday was my 4th chemo and also making the new cycle of my chemo treatment.  Yah,  i made it so far. 

Of course there are done of my concern whether I'm am safe or not.  Whether it had spread to my liver or not.  All these things that i need to know were not answered yet.  I planned to take my test again, in a private lab.  I need to know my status.  I can't wait for it to be too late to discover a new things that's happening inside of me.  Whether something is growing worst or it's getting obedient.

Anyway, i want to thank Jesus for standing firm with me in this journey.  As i recall,  all this while,  from the day i was suspected of having cancer until the day it was confirmed,  i rarely cry.  I can proudly say that i cried for around 5 -7 times only.  Why,? Because i believe they God makes plan for me,  and i should just calmly accept it.  There's nothing i can change about it,  so why make a big fuss,  just go and experience it. After all,  i know he will never abandon me.  And i also want to thank Him, because of him i didn't get side effect as bad as i imagine.  Thank God so far i didn't feel nausea or vomiting.  I experience constipation but other than that, in good.  I'm eating well,  sleeping well and even can go to work without fail.  And continue to work in the office,  there are times when i got to tired at work,  but i was allow to take naps in between,  anytime if the day.  So, I'm good.

Letter to Heaven 2

To the oppa that I love and respect my whole life,

 

Am I going to die like this?

Even though I have been thinking that I should be the one that replacing you few years ago, but I didn’t expect that I am going to follow you. But am I really going to go through that phase?

I hope that I can die painlessly like you did, but I am a villain, I guess. I never grow up as a good person like you do. I am not scared of dying, but what will happen to people I left behind?

I don’t think they face this calmly, especially this will be the second time that this type of incident will occur. I know it will be hard, no one can get used to it no matter how many times it occur in one’s life. No one would.

I freaked out a little bit as I might be developing a secondary liver cancer, yeshhhh, my primary cancer might have spread to my liver. I suspected it to be very active last 2 week, bloated stomach come back again without warning. My chemo does not works, I guess. I’m so doomed, if my observation is true. I might not die painlessly. That’s my biggest fear.

I thought I will be recovering from it after my 3rd cycle. Looks like it might be another bomb coming in. why am I chosen for this? I know I never cried, when I think back of this whole journey, I only cried 4-5 times ever since I was suspected and diagnose of cancer. I don’t even know why, but the situation itself is something that I cannot help. Crying doesn’t fix a thing. It doesn’t even spills out gold or bring in money or joy to me, so why cry? There’s no point. I enjoy crack up jokes and laugh. But there are times that I just feel like nothing, no emotion, not feeling like want to do anything, it was just so boring and lifeless. I couldn’t even enjoy the thing that I used to like after my operation of removing my organs. I wanted to drive fast, I wanted to dance, to do sport, to watch movies or sing karaoke, but let’s just bid farewell by this moment. I don’t even know when the times will come. Will I ever be recovering? Will it never come back or will I just die from the disease. As far as I know, my cancer kills 90%. Survival rate is rare, low chance, chemo is just to slow down and pro-longed a person’s lifespan. I’m not going to live for long I presume.

It’s not that I give up on life, but life chosen me to be like this. I’m the type to life the moment but I also have and need to foresee my future. Think of every possibility that might occur in my life. What ifs this happen, then what? I need to be prepare and have to make sure I leave people behind in good care.

 

 

So long & goodbye, until next time.

Lots of love,

Xoxo Aime

New hair before all my hair fall down (3rd chemo week)

So,  due to rapid hair fall,  i decide to cut it short before it all gone. At first i thought i just shave it all,  less pain,  less messy.  But then my mum and sis didn't support my decision.  So i just took another option, to cut it short. So he it is.  My new hair.  I thought it's going to look awful considering my round face and curly hair.  But i guess i was wrong.  I look good in any hair style,  like Big Bang's G Dragon. (Ignore me for being so full of myself,  but i just love me).

3rd Chemo

I finally realised that i didn't get any side effect not because i was lucky,  nor the medication was not strong enough.  It's just the supplement that i took.  I want supposed to eat that during chemo.  It was meant to be consume after the whole thing are done.  Meaning to say,  after the whole 6 cycle were done then i can have them.

Means all this while my chemo might not work at all.  No wonder my stomach start to bloated again. I hope it doesn't grow as fast as the previous one. The cancer i guess start to active again.  I can feel it.  But i hope it was not as crazy and as fierce as it used to be.  But i just don't know.  My blood test for CA-125 result will be coming in late.  So i just don't know what to think anymore.

Now that i stop taking the supplement,  my hair have been fallen rapidly. In large amount. My scalp is itchy and hot, and my hair just fall uncontrollably. Sigh.  Balding is on the way,  i thought i was okay. But there is some part of me that scared to see myself in the mirror. My skin condition were bad due to stress,  and i look awful altogether. My photo below is me, trying out my new wig.  😊

How i wish this whole thing will pass by smoothly,  I'm gonna live on and it will never recurring again. 

Bye for now. Until i feel like writing again.  Bye.

Day 2 - after 1st Chemotherapy

Today is my 2nd day after receiving chemo. Luckily,  no side effect so far. No vomiting, no extreme tiredness,  no lost of appetite nor losing hair. I'm glad that i feel hungry all the time. 

I'm glad i still look good as ever. No pale looking skin,  so far so good.  This is all i can say.  Bye for now.

Starting of my hell week

Guess what.  This is D-day.  The day that all people were afraid of,  no one wants it,  no one ever dare to think of it. But some people were lucky (unlucky) to get chosen for this. Sigh. .. 😢😢😢😢😢😢

It's the first day of my chemotherapy treatment.  WHY??? Why do i have to do this? Hurm,  bad luck i guess. 

I never thought this day would come. Nor even when i was bedridden after the operation to deliver my tumor,  i was still be able to laugh off it.  Even when i am well aware of it,  i never put it in my mind and continue to live like normal. I never think too much.  I even went to see BIG BANG MADE TOUR live in Malaysia exactly 1 month after surgery. ( crazy isn't it? ) but i did it anyway.  I flew from kucing to KL just to see the boys.  (Proud VIP at heart💝💝💝).

Only yesterday,  reality finally hit me.  I am going to undergone Chemotherapy today.  And I'm going to lose all my hair,  which is not actually a bad things.  I mean,  so long that i have wig,  i can still feel fine. Plus,  i don't have to shave my legs & armpit anymore, at least for this period of time.  And i get a chance to life weight without trying hard,  sounds fair enough. I got nothing to lose,  & i won't let myself lose anything anymore. I lose my organ in the process,  i lose some cells as well,  but i can't just spend my time crying. Why waste time do that? It's not the end of the world. I still got lots of things to do that i haven't achieved.  My career, my travel wishlist. I want to do it all. Maybe it's a good time for me to think what i want to do in the future.  Maybe i can try to be composer or lyricist?  😄

But on theorder note, of course i can't enjoy the food that i like, sushi,  beef, lamb, etc and can't drink coffee anymore. Durian cheese cake,  it is a bit frustrating when it comes to food. There are just things that i have to avoid in order to not feel the pain.  I tried to drink coffee once, and i definitely don't like the feeling after.  It was mild but definitely make me feel like i won't do it again. 

I hope i can get through this without difficulty.  I know I'm not superhuman,  but i just want to get through this.  I'm only 26, and I'm not even celebrating my 26th birthday yet. There's a lot of thing to be done.  I thought by 30 i can set up my own company or i can go to oversea, to work & play. Why is this things suddenly blocking my way.

Well then,  I'm gonna stop now. I'm gonna write again on my next session of chemo.  I hope i can continue to write until the end, until this things shrink and disappear from me forever.

Bye, for now.  🙅🙆🙅🙆